Home parenting Provide children with emotional security

Provide children with emotional security

by ines.wurbs@icloud.com

Safety is the most important need of our children. As parents, we are duty-bound to provide our children with both physical and emotional security.

The following points can be used to give our kids security:

  • rituals
  • routines
  • Rules
  • limits
  • praise
  • recognition
  • respect
  • vicinity
  • understanding

Why do children need to feel safe?

Children need to feel safe to have the courage to try new things and meet new people. We have to give our children security to be able to learn and grow.

They can overcome their shyness and fears by doing this, as well as gaining the courage and motivation to try things out. Our children gain experience in social interactions and new situations by doing this.

Children needs

The study shows that mothers are concerned about the security of their children. But, for the children surveyed, it was also an essential cornerstone reflected in family and friends. You can find the exact values and further information in the UNICEF Value Monitor 2014 study.

Childhood lacking in security

Children who lack this safety and security are called insecurely attached children. The insecurity of attachment has a huge impact on children’s development. They are very reserved, find it very difficult to separate from their parents or other caregivers, are difficult to calm down, find it difficult to fit into groups of their peers and start crying again and again and want to go back to their parents.

While all of this also occurs in children who get adequate safety and security from their parents, these behaviors assume a striking degree in children who are insecurely attached. Fear of loss and fear of socialization are not uncommon in children at different stages of development. However, these disappear again after the development phase. This is not the case with insecure children.

You can read more about insecure attachment in children in this article.

How do to make my child feel emotionally secure?

As mentioned above, there are many behaviors that you can use to primarily instill emotional security in your children. 


Rituals, like routines, are fixed points in our children’s lives, giving them security and security. Small rituals strengthen the connection. They are small peculiarities that are only for the family members and that make them exclusive, i.e. unique and special. As a result, these rituals also strengthen the We – feeling, the familiarity, and thus the security.

Rituals are closely related to routines, and the difference is often not immediately apparent. The essence, however, is the symbolic character and the emotional component of rituals. This can range from a loving pinch of the nose to the morning coffee rite.


Routines are vital in everyday family life. It’s the fixed points of the day that our children know happen with absolute certainty. You can rely on these cornerstones. This takes away a lot of insecurity and, above all, uncertainty from our children.

This uncertainty regularly creates fears and uncomfortable feelings in us humans. It triggers tension and stress in us, but also in our children, if we don’t know exactly what is happening and when. This is often the case for our children in any case because they do not yet fully understand many projects and actions.

Many things, therefore, are new and surprising for them. Although it is individually different how well our children can handle this stress, there is of course a limit for all children, as well as adults. At some point, the level of stress is just too high. Then our children react with crying, tantrums, hecticness, overexcited, or other inappropriate behavior.


Rules are also important for our children to feel safe. Children quickly learn that there are rules in almost every situation in life. Children also usually learn quickly what to expect from themselves if they follow the rules and how others are likely to react to them.

So rules give our children guidelines that they can use to move through many situations in everyday life and thus better assess what is likely to happen and what is not.


Boundaries are integral to rules. Boundaries also make our children feel safe. They show them how far they can go. Our children need to learn that first. They don’t fully understand others’ or their own limits from the start. And even if they do know, they are only too happy to test them.

In fact, boundaries shift quite frequently. Above all, the limits of our children are because they keep learning. These boundaries are the safe place where our children can try new things and learn.


Praising our children gives them the support they need from us parents. It encourages our children and reinforces their efforts. We support them and are involved in their activities. The security our children need to try new things is given by this. They see that we are with them and reward efforts. If you are interested in learning more about correct praise, I have written an article for you here.


Praise shows our children that they are important to us and that we are happy to be involved in their lives. Being involved and showing active interest gives our children a sense of security. They are aware of our support. Positive memories strengthen the bond with our children.


Be there for your child. Even if you don’t understand why he/she is crying, screaming, or throwing a tantrum. I don’t mean that you have to accept everything. They should respect your limits and not overstep theirs.

To find out what the underlying need is, it is important to take our children’s emotions seriously. This is how we can help our children and demonstrate to them that we won’t abandon them. Especially when they are feeling lost and overwhelmed with emotions. If we find it hard to help our children and our nerves get very frayed, we should realize that it is good to help them.


Also, being close to our children makes them feel safe and secure. Cuddling can be lost in the stress of everyday life during the week. It’s important to cuddle a lot. Without any time pressure and with your thoughts elsewhere. It is easier for our children than it is for adults. In or after such moments, our children often tell us important thoughts, concerns or worries.

Even in difficult situations, physical proximity and loving affection strengthen the parent-child relationship and ensure a sense of security.


The feeling of safety and security that we parents show our children is just as important as respect and closeness. Even if some concerns seem insignificant to us, they are still a burden for our children.

We should be there for our children in these situations. It’s best if we work together to find a solution that suits them and possibly others as well. It depends on your child and the situation whether a compromise is needed, whether you should assert yourself, or whether you should take a different path.

We should give our children age-appropriate help and support where they need it, but not everything. Therefore, our children will always turn to us for help. And that’s what makes our children feel safe and trust us. They see that they can’t do everything on their own, and that we are there for them even in difficult situations.

Ensure security

It is crucial for our children to feel secure emotionally. Parents and other caregivers can benefit from security. All people who are important to children and with whom they regularly interact.

Family, whether close or extended, or friends or groups, such as kindergarten or school classes, can give a sense of security. A child should feel that they are being taken seriously and that they are in good hands.

Even if there are arguments or conflicts within these reference points, the points mentioned above should reassure the child that they are in good hands within this “group”. They can trust someone who will help to support them when needed. It shouldn’t be the case that a child feels alone and helpless with his problems and concerns.

Safety and security at the daycare center or the kindergarten

It can be a challenge to communicate this sense of security and safety, especially in kindergarten or childcare. Children, of course, encounter many new things initially. There is a lot of uncertainty, and it causes stress in our children.

What parents can do

It will be easier to let go of you if your child feels safe with you. Your child trusts that you will only leave it with people you genuinely trust, and that you will come back for it.

This will make it easier for your child to deal with unfamiliar situations and will also make it easier for the teachers in the day care center or kindergarten to trust your child.

However, the opposite conclusion that a child who is having trouble adjusting does not trust their parents is not true. There can be many different reasons.

What can be done to make a child feel safe?

The points above also apply here. But they usually take a long time to build up. It is also important here:

A respectful conversation with the parents

Handling parents. This approach allows the child to understand that the parents trust the person and that the educators can learn more about the child.

No intimacy shall be forced

It varies from person to person, but it is important not to force anything on the child that they are not ready for. Educators and caregivers can always help the child, but they should never force them to do anything. Bondage and no sense of security are created by the exercise of power.

Take extra precaution

Many children initially only make small, subtle offers of contact. They look away in embarrassment and bring a Lego brick over to whiz off. If educators or caregivers notice this, it is beneficial if they provide positive reinforcement for it. This will lead to more positive interactions with the child that build trust and a feeling of security.

The balance between distance and closeness

The point of proximity should be taken up very slowly. It should only be implemented if the child wants to be comforted or shake hands in a circle.

There is nothing more transgressive than adults getting too close to children without being asked. The limit for some children can be “whisper in the ear”. Children are also very different, so it’s important that educators and caretakers are sensitive to this. 

Make offers to children

Children should always be part of group activities and be encouraged to do so. Even if children don’t participate in activities in daycare or kindergarten, it is still important to give them the chance to participate again. This has become a matter of course in most facilities.

Understand the children’s needs

The situation escalates quickly in daycare and kindergarten. The situation needs to be settled. It is, however, all the more important to clarify why things have come to this and to uncover any underlying needs of the children involved.

Respect the concerns

It is common for us to dismiss the concerns of the children. We don’t see it as tragic, although for the child it may still be earth-shattering. It is important to listen and take on board the concerns in the introductory phase. This doesn’t mean that all requests should be fulfilled.

But they should at least be explained to the child or the group. The fact that children feel safe in the day care center or kindergarten is a significant contribution.


Parents make their child feel safe and secure with them. A good parent-child relationship cannot be damaged by individual conflicts. It is about your children behavior and interaction with you.

These points should not be ignored when building up and keeping safety and security. They are important for the development of our children and help create a good sense of self-confidence, healthy development, and a good relationship with your child.

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