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What to do about jealousy?

by Ines Wurbs

Everyone knows the feeling of jealousy. Often we know it’s inappropriate, yet that jealousy overwhelms us.

Learn to control feelings of jealousy by building your self-esteem. Jealousy is triggered by fear of loss. These fears come from you and not from your partner. 

So, we make ourselves aware that this feeling arises in us. In this article, you will learn what we can do about it.

How to stop and what causes jealousy?

To a certain extent, jealousy is normal and reasonable. However, it often puts a strain on the relationship to the point that separation occurs. Jealousy can also be pathological. However, to draw a line between normal and too much is difficult. This highly depends on the person and many other factors. 

Jealousy is nothing but the fear of losing the loved one. In most cases, this is the partner.

However, after a divorce, jealousy about the new partner can also arise if this person establishes contact with “my” children.

You can use the following recommendations in both cases. 

To take responsibility

As I said, the first thing you need to realize is that jealousy is something that comes from within you. It is not the partner or the object of jealousy that creates it, but you yourself. Take responsibility for it, too. So, it’s a feeling. The good thing is that you can learn to control feelings.

Get to the bottom of the reason

These fears come from a triggering situation, likely a betrayal of trust. However, you should be concerned about who has betrayed your trust before.

Or who made you feel like you might be abandoned. This does not have to come from the current partnership, it can be triggered by an earlier one. These fears of abandonment can also come from your childhood.

The past often casts long shadows

So, what we have experienced in our past can also subconsciously be burned into our memory. Especially when we experienced it as awful. But also if it was a small injury over a long period of time. Often we don’t even notice it. But these experiences have shaped us. They influence our thoughts, actions and also our feelings.

No false accusations

Don’t blame your partner for something he/she may not be able to do anything about.

Take care of your self-worth

Self-worth is the opinion and beliefs we have about ourselves. If we have heard it in the past, be it in childhood or in a previous relationship, that we cannot do it, that we are not worth it or that it is simply “not for us”, we will eventually believe it too.

It’s burned in our memory. If that’s the case, it’s time to change that. Because you have to be important to yourself. Without you, there is no together.

Be independent!

The more independent you are, the more positive experiences you will gain and see what you are capable of, even without a partner.

Make a stop

Take an emotional break, so to speak. Leave these destructive thoughts and try to actively prevent them. All kinds of relaxation techniques can help. You can also try replacing those jealous thoughts with nice thoughts. So think of gestures, situations, or even plans with your partner or with your children that bring you joy.

Trust protects

Trust your partner, your children, or whatever else makes you jealous. Trust is a delicate commodity. Read this article to learn how to rebuild your confidence after a breakup.

Use your common sense

Go through the situation as rationally as possible. What could it mean if your partner is at work longer? Does it have to be an affair, or does he just have a lot of work to do? Work out alternative justifications for yourself.

This is how you can break this negative loop in the carousel of thoughts. Controversy would be inevitable.

Talking helps

Be honest and talk to your partner. But without accusations and hostilities. Tell your partner how you feel using I-messages. “I was jealous today. I was afraid of being abandoned. I wasn’t certain, whether I was assessing the situation correctly or incorrectly, so I imagined this and that.” With I-messages, you don’t blame your counterpart, but describe what was going on in your mind. That prevents arguments.

Change perspectives

Try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. This also broadens your view and may create understanding for your partner.

Maintain boundaries

Don’t cross borders. Not yours and not your partner’s! For example, a Statista survey showed actions taken out of jealousy. The exact data can be found directly on the Statista website. Here are the top 5:

  1. partner made a scene
  2. Talked bad about each other
  3. The relationship ended
  4. No jealousy present
  5. phone checked

In a survey by Elite Partner, 53% of 6,500 respondents stated that jealousy was a reason for their breakup.

4 Tips to boost your self-esteem to stop jealousy

  • Face situations that are challenging for you. You will be surprised at how many situations resolve with pleasure. And even if it goes wrong, you’ll see that it’s not the end of the world.
  • Pursue hobbies. This will give you countless positive experiences, and it will also boost your self-confidence.
  • Affirmations. Be sure to say self-reinforcing phrases. For example, if you’re nervous, you can say to yourself, “I can do this. I’m good at it.” But even if you catch yourself thinking badly about yourself, stop those thoughts and replace them with phrases that reinforce you: “I’m worth it,” for example.
  • Keep a journal or notes about what you did well that day.

There are many more exercises and things you can do to build your confidence. The most important thing is that you follow your own needs, feelings and also desires. Listen to your gut feeling and think about what you actually want. What is important to you and then do it!

Consequences of jealousy

Jealousy is not a trivial offense. By doing so, you hurt others, betray your trust, apply pressure, and push boundaries. It also puts a strain on your relationship with frequent arguments, accusations, and hostilities. Often, the respect for your partner gets lost. The bad moments outweigh the good ones. The time for beautiful experiences and familiarity is lost.

However, these are essential for an intimate relationship. It is also not uncommon for jealousy to trigger feelings of revenge. This can even lead to infidelity on your part. 


Jealousy is useful to a certain extent. It also protects them from disappointment and rekindles other feelings. It can show the other person that he/she is important to us.

But that depends on the other person, and it can quickly become an enormous burden for your relationship. This also happens if the object of jealousy is your children. Jealousy puts a strain on every relationship, romantic relationships as well as parent-child relationships.

Do something about it, preferably in time! 

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