Home Kindergarten Can children be intolerable in kindergarten?

Can children be intolerable in kindergarten?

by ines.wurbs@icloud.com

Again and again one hears of children who are thrown out of kindergarten because they are intolerable. But does it exist, and how can it be prevented?

Firstly: yes, children can be intolerable and your place in kindergarten can be terminated if your child’s behavior is so inappropriate and repeatedly disrupts normal kindergarten life that normal routine is not possible. If your child repeatedly harms others or himself without responding to countermeasures, then this is considered intolerable. But there is something you can do about it. Read details here.

Can you throw children out of kindergarten or suspend them?

Yes, children can lose their kindergarten place or be temporarily suspended. The justification of the kindergarten is often: “Unacceptable behavior in the kindergarten” or something similar. It is called a special right of termination and is usually in the care contract with the kindergarten.

At least in the event of a termination, there should have been some discussions between you and the kindergarten beforehand. A one-off problem is not a reason for termination. But you should get help from your responsible office.

You must try to cooperate with the kindergarten and if it becomes apparent that your child is having difficulties in the kindergarten, address the problem as quickly as possible and try to find a way together with the kindergarten. Firstly, this improves the educators and secondly, it helps your child. While you may not see the problem, there is one in kindergarten nonetheless. This can have many different reasons (these are described below). It is therefore advisable to act quickly and together with the kindergarten to make everyday kindergarten life easier for your child and to enable many nice experiences.

Many parents initially feel attacked and switch to defensive mode. That is natural and understandable. However, you should try to take a step back and be open to other perspectives. This paves the way for constructive exchange and increases the likelihood of a suitable solution for everyone.

My child is misbehaving in kindergarten

Many parents have the problem that their child behaves differently in kindergarten than at home, namely much worse. This can have several causes:

  • Your child is overwhelmed by being in a group
  • Your child is still overwhelmed by the demands of kindergarten
  • Your child is not yet good at distinguishing himself from others
  • Your child has trouble paying attention
  • There are problems with the kindergarten teacher

The reasons are very diverse. Very often it is the case that your child is overwhelmed with something. It is too much for him/her, and he/she compensates for this pressure with conspicuous behavior. You have to imagine that it usually means an enormous effort for our children to find their way around in a large group of other children in a relatively small space for several hours. It simply takes a lot of a long time to acquire all the skills our kids need to be comfortable in this situation.

First, when we enter kindergarten, the first major process of detachment from us parents for our children takes place. Also, it’s usually the first time they’re in a large group of others. Even if your child has already attended a nursery, kindergarten is something entirely different. First, all children have to find their way here, find their place in the group, and accept the teachers as confidants. Most of the rules are also new to our children.

When we clear up with them at home or fetch the snack, these rules are an entirely different, big challenge for our children in a group with other children. And challenges mean effort, stress, and also some insecurity for our children.

All of this often causes discomfort in our children, and this often leads to behavior that we consider to be bad. It expresses stress and/or overwhelm. Nevertheless, this behavior is of course a problem for you, the kindergarten, and your child. So, what can you do?

My child hits at kindergarten

Hitting is often a topic in kindergarten. Your child is probably trying to defend himself or assert himself toward others. 

Our children must first learn how to do this best. Many children try hitting first. While this isn’t unnatural, it’s not okay because it hurts other children and will hurt them in due time. The most common reaction to hitting is hitting back. 

It is best to talk to the kindergarten teacher so that they can help your child in the same way to learn another way of defending himself. The earlier you start doing this, the better. Behaviors that have been accustomed to often take a long time to unlearn. 

We should always act directly in the situation, by saying “stop” and then, of course, discussing the situation after our child has calmed down. Why did this happen, was your child angry, scared, or maybe sad, and what should they do differently next time? You can also practice the situation at home with your child playfully. I have summarized more about this and a free download for you in this article.

How can children be integrated into kindergarten?

The fact that children are part of the group is essential so that they can detach themselves from their parents better and more easily and feel comfortable in the group. Sometimes this doesn’t work right away and your child has difficulties getting used to the group (separate information on getting used to it). Here are a few tips on what you can do about it:


If a child has difficulties integrating and keeps showing up through inappropriate behavior, it is advisable to find out the exact cause first. This is easiest if an observation log is kept in the kindergarten. Possibly, also at home if similar behaviors occur at home.

It should be noted:

  • In what situation does the behavior occur? In a group, during gymnastics, in arguments, when playing together, in a circle, …
  • Does it occur in connection with specific people?
  • Does it occur at specific times? Before the snack, before lunch, after a long concentration?
  • Is there a stressful situation in kindergarten or family?
  • What skill should the child practice to better cope in this situation
  • What measures can be taken in the kindergarten to improve the situation?
  • What measures can be taken at home?

Plan and implement measures

Parents and educators should agree on the measures that should help the child. Then you should determine what sequence there is and where the measures are carried out (at home or in kindergarten)

Parents’ and educators’ conversation

Educators and parents should exchange information beforehand and at regular intervals. To analyze the situation and exchange information. In this way, the situation can be dealt with even better and more precisely.

It is also good if the parents know what is happening in the kindergarten. Also, the everyday things, so that they are not two separate areas of life, but also our children see that these overlap and intertwine.

Individual measures

Depending on whether the child needs support in individual areas, such as social interaction, concentration, frustration tolerance, fine motor skills, etc., this can be done at the same time at home with the parents or by using services such as psychological counseling, and in kindergarten by the educators or special educators take place.

Projects about what concerns you and me with the whole group could be helpful.

Mindfulness can also help here. Consciously perceiving and handling feelings and signs is a basic building block of emotion control. This can be practiced well with mindfulness cards. Both methods are highly recommended for use at home and in kindergarten.

Differentiating yourself from others can be practiced very well in kindergarten, but it can also be discussed at home and practiced playfully with stuffed animals or dolls. 

Group actions

Measures in the kindergarten group itself are often useful. When it comes to violence, for example, violence prevention or other problems, promoting group dynamics, like team building in the kindergarten, and much more that helps to bring all children into the group and strengthens the sense of community among the children.

Social learning tasks could be very helpful. This can be done with the whole group, but also individually at home.

You can find plenty of free suggestions for group games on the following pages:

Group games at Kid Power

Group games at Early Impact

Cooperation game Kid Activities

Communication games at The real school

Cooperation games on Mom Junktion


Always try to be open to a conversation and a different opinion and point of view. Even if it doesn’t match your opinion, and you are annoyed. Open conversations and exchanges are simply enormously powerful for you and your child. Together, you and the kindergarten will probably get much further than alone. Especially if the problem is so serious that a suspension or dismissal is in the offing.

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